Last night at a networking event, a fellow life coach thanked me for my courage in letting the world know that I have recovered from an eating disorder.
I view my recovery as a personal triumph. However, when I was still struggling with an eating disorder, I felt shame and embarrassment. Why is that? My fellow coach commented that much of society associates eating disorders with shame, "Nobody wants to talk about it. Even some mothers do not want to know. They want to think their family is fine and normal, that they have set a good example for their kids." She is right. Because families and parents are hesitant to discuss eating disorders and may even be in denial, the kid who has the eating disorder suffers alone. Some adolescents do not even feel comfortable sharing their secret with their friends.
Ever since Karen Carpenter died of anorexia in 1983 and the world has been educated that eating disorders do indeed exist, it has been a taboo topic. I believe eating disorders are a taboo topic associated with shame, embarrassment, and a hesitancy to tell others for 3 reasons:
1) People with eating disorders feel stigmatized, disgusted, and abnormal. They definitely do not want others to see them that way, too.
Often, they live in an environment that conveys the message (real or perceived) that anyone less than normal is not okay. For this reason, they keep the secret about their eating disorder from their parents or friends because they do not want to cause anybody else the embarrassment or shame that they feel. Additionally, they do not want their embarrassment and shame compounded if their parents find out about their eating disorder and seem disgusted.
2) Nobody wants to be the odd one out and bring up the topic of eating disorders that is rarely discussed. When it is discussed, the topic is usually changed quickly. Why do people avoid talking about eating disorders?
People feel powerless to make a difference and far removed from the situation. When the topic eating disorders is mentioned, it tends to be a depressing conversation. Nobody likes to feel depressed. Additionally, nobody has the slightest idea of what they can do to remedy the problem. Just like when someone mentions genocide in the Sudan, people shrug their shoulders because they do not have a solution. Also, many people cannot identify with the problem at all. It seems like something that affects "other people." (They may know someone with an eating disorder, but that person may be keeping it secret).
Another reason people change the topic is they do not know very much about eating disorders. Because there is a lack of dialogue about eating disorders, ignorance remains.
3) Some adolescents with eating disorders fear that if they disclose their secret about their eating disorder, they will be too big a burden for their families. They feel that there is already enough conflict or stress in the family and they do not want to add to it. To save their family from the burden, they decide it is better that they be strong and deal with it one their own.
Because eating disorders are such a taboo topic nobody feels comfortable discussing freely, it is a challenge for treatment specialists like myself to create awareness, to educate, and to get our message out there.
I am certain there are thousands of adolescents who harbor a secret that they have an eating disorder. They are suffering in silence. They need people in their lives who love them to reach out and tell the adolescent 3 things:
1) You are loved
2) You can trust me with anything you are struggling with and I will not judge you
3) You have my full and complete support
As an environment of openness, support, and honesty is facilitated by parents and loved ones, adolescents will start to feel more comfortable telling others about their eating disorder. Until people are ready to honestly say, "you can trust me with anything you are struggling with and I will not judge you", adolescents will try to handle their eating disorders on their own. The results can be fatal. Do not make the mistake of assuming your child or loved one already knows you support and love them unconditionally. Tell them!
You may feel overwhelmed at how to help a loved one with an eating disorder. Just remember that more important than being an eating disorder expert is being a loving, non-judgmental support. When your child or loved one comes to you and tells you that they have an eating disorder, refer them to a recovery specialist and spend your energy loving and reinforcing your support.
Camille Packer McConnell is life coach specializing in Eating Disorder Recovery. People with eating disorders need to learn skills that enable them to release themselves from stressful obsessive thoughts that fuel the disorder. Camille's clients feel freedom from negativity and overwhelm and prepared to make positive changes. Because Camille recovered from an eating disorder in 2001, her clients feel a particular connection with her. Please visit: [http://www.breakfreebody.com]
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